10 Thoughts on Raising Boys to be Men

The other day while perusing the magazine rack of the hair salon waiting area, I stumbled upon a very popular parenting magazine and was intrigued by a headline on the cover.

In big, bold letters it read

Raising Boys to be Men

or something to that effect.

Of course, as the mother of four boys, I immediately grabbed for the issue and flipped to the appropriate page. Not surprising, I was sorely disappointed in the suggestions given by "the experts." It was a disparaging look at society's attempts to raise gender-neutral boys.  

I let out a deep sigh...saddened by the reality of what my young band of boys will face as they seek to grow into strong, Godly leaders of faith and family.  

As a mother whose oldest boy has barely graduated from training wheels, I realize that the verdict is still out on my parenting skills. Only time will tell whether I've done it right. But, if truth be told, I have THE TRUTH to guide me...the never-changing words and teachings of the very first Parent who has laid out some very clear advice on how to raise boys to be REAL men. And from His Word and by His example, I have formulated a few thoughts on what that should like in my home.  

I encourage bold faith.

I want my boys to love God with abandon. To trust in Him and His plan above all else. To walk humbly behind Him knowing that in order to be a good leader, one must first be a faithful follower. One quick look around most church communities today shows a lack of bold men of faith. When it is time to read a passage of Scripture or pray aloud in a group setting, many men sheepishly defer to their wives. I want to raise spiritual leaders. Men who will boldly stand for Truth even if they have to stand alone.

I do this by helping my boys establish a habit of morning devotions and by providing opportunities for them to read Scripture out loud, pray in front of a group, and hear testimonies of God's faithfulness in my life and the lives of others. More importantly, however, I recognize that I cannot be their Holy Spirit. I can not allow my constant voice to drown out the still, small One of the Savior. I have to acknowledge that God loves them much more than I do and has a perfect plan written just for them.

I foster relationships with Dad.

From the moment each one of my little guys took their first breath, they looked to me with undeniable adoration. I was the obvious FAVORITE. And why not? Wasn't I the one who kept their bellies full and their bottoms dry? But, around the time they each turned 18 months, I made attempts to begin shifting their adoring gaze towards my husband. Because after all, if you are hoping to build something, don't you need a blueprint that looks like the finished product?  

I allow risk-taking.

While at the park recently, I watched as my boys along with several of their friends scaled a very high chain-linked fence. In my peripheral view, I could see a rather anxious mother pushing a pink bundle in a stroller pleading for the boys to get down before they fell and hurt themselves. Under her breath, she replied, "Where are their mothers?"

Over here!!! I waved. And then continued to watch as the boys proceeded up the fence.

The fact of the matter is, our society has created such a padded, safe environment that boys are rarely ever given the opportunity to take a risk...a risk that might end in failure or in complete success. How can I expect my boys to attempt their life's purpose, if I never give them opportunities to take a risk and possibly fail...possibly fall? If I constantly hover over them? Because in truth, success almost always follows failure. I want my boys to know how to get back up and try again...to persevere. That lesson is best learned with risk-taking.

I lead lightly.

Boys, much like their adult counterparts, are hard-wired to be leaders. They have no desire to be henpecked by a nagging woman, especially mom. I obviously have been put in a place of authority in their lives, but I have to maintain that position delicately. I have to help them accept that although they want to LEAD, for a time, they must FOLLOW...a woman. This short season of submission can be eased by providing an opportunity for each one of my boys to make decisions for themselves. Obviously, as the mom, I have ultimate VETO power. But, unless their choice violates Scripture, goes against one of our house rules, or poses a real danger to themselves or others, I allow my boys to make decisions and face the consequences, whether good or bad.  

I assign work and promote the use of real tools.

A brief glance at the annals of American history shows boys as young as 7 and 8 hunting for food, earning money to help support their families, and even helping to defend their country in times of war. Now, I'm not saying that we should be sending our little guys off to military academy. However, I do think we, as a society, do not give children enough credit. When given the proper tools with the proper training, even boys as young as 3 and 4 can be given the chance to learn the satisfaction and blessing of responsibility and hard work.  

I embrace gender differences.

I don't force my boys to play with dolls or wear pink shirts simply because the mainstream opinion declares both to be gender neutral. Why? Because although I want my boys to form healthy respect for and admiration of the gentler sex, I don't believe neutrality is the way to accomplish that. On the contrary, I think that gender differences should be embraced and encouraged. God created men and women to be different. Equal in worth and value. Equal in the eyes of their Creator. Equal in intelligence and importance. Equal BUT different.

I insist upon chivalry.

As an adult woman, I am perfectly capable of carrying my own belongings. But, my entire family has a very clear understanding, as dictated by the Hubs...unless the boys' hands are full, momma should not be carrying anything. Groceries, library books, church bags...are all carried FIRST by the boys. Only when I see that there is an additional need for helping hands, do I step in to share the load. Obviously, some tasks are too large or too heavy for little hands. But, my boys can carry something always...even if it is only a small portion of the whole.

In addition, when my boys see a lady approaching a door, they are expected to arrive at it first in order to hold it open for her. Recently, my oldest two boys began standing outside the main doors of our church on rainy Sundays greeting women curbside with an umbrella and escorting them to the safety of the dry entryway.

I want my boys to learn to care for the women that God has placed in their lives. I want them to champion the lost art of chivalry.

I cultivate tender spirits.

I pray my boys grow to be men who extend apologies and forgiveness easily. Men who admit mistakes. Men who swallow pride. Grateful men. Humble men. Loving men. Admittedly, none of this can be taught, only caught. And while I know I fail at setting an example of these tender qualities more often than I succeed, I pray that God in His loving kindness for my sons can cultivate all of this in them despite my lack.   

I applaud initiative.  

My scientist boy is always inventing little "helpful" and "handy" tools for making my life "easier". Not surprising, most of these contraptions require more work on my part than the manual labor it would take to get the job done WITHOUT the tool. Despite the obvious failure of many of his creations, I always affirm his willingness to TRY. My boys need to know that their attempts at maturity and invention, no matter how unsuccessful or small, will always be appreciated and valued. 

I work my way out of a job.

To the best of my ability, I teach my boys age-appropriate responsibility and then expect them to manage those tasks by themselves. I try never to do for them what they are fully capable of doing for themselves. Because as an adult although I can probably do all of those tasks better and more efficiently, I love my boys too much to cripple their chances for an independent adult life by doing everything for them and never giving them a chance to master those skills.

A final word...

I realize that to some, my attempts at nurturing my mini-men to maturity seems harsh or perhaps unloving. I admit it is quite countercultural and definitely politically incorrect. But, in the end, I'm not trying to please others...certainly not the editors of the aforementioned magazine...I'm trying to please the Lord.

As I seek to raise loving husbands, patient fathers, and bold Christ-followers, I look to the words of King David, who although was less than perfect, is credited as being a man after God's own heart. On his deathbed, when given the chance to give one last word of wisdom to his beloved son, Solomon, he said,

“I am about to go the way of all the earth. Be strong, and show yourself a man, and keep the charge of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and keeping his statutes, his commandments, his rules, and his testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn, that the Lord may establish his word that he spoke concerning me, saying, ‘If your sons pay close attention to their way, to walk before me in faithfulness with all their heart and with all their soul, you shall not lack a man on the throne of Israel.’ " 1 Kings 2:2-4

I am a mom of four boys. It is a high calling and a huge challenge that I do not take for granted. While in my selfishness and sometimes laziness I sometimes fail at my best-laid plans, I am confident that God desires my boys to be men someday...REAL MEN...and He'll accomplish that with or without me. I'm honored and humbled that He has allowed me to be a part of the blueprint.

In addition to Scripture, my parenting has been influenced by the following books.

Some of my favorite resources written specifically to boys

Lessons in Responsibility for boys (level 1 & 2)

Boyhood and Beyond

Created for Work

The Boy's Body Book

Do you have boys?  How are you raising them to be men?