My Best Advice to the NEWBIE Homeschooler {or burned out veteran}

(I realize that I am taking the loooong route to prove my point here.  But, stick with me.  I think, or at least hope. you'll appreciate the final destination.)

"If you were a good wife, you would..." she said flippantly over her shoulder.

I just stood there, stalk still, mouth open, mentally clutching the gaping hole she had bore straight through my heart. If I were a good wife??


For a few days, I mulled that over and then, rather like a dog, began shaking off those wounding words. As you can imagine, it took time for me to rid myself of the toxic thoughts looming just below the surface. But eventually, I came to realize that her words were ones flung out of protection...out of fear and insecurity...out of a lifetime of personal self-doubt and probably self-loathing. I came to see that and could offer grace and forgiveness. And most importantly, I knew that my worth as a wife...as a mom...as a child of God was not wrapped up in her slanted opinion of me.

What made the difference? How did I get from Point A to Point B? I sought the truth from the only two individuals who could testify to my wifeliness...or lack thereof.

God

and my Husband

After much prayer and Scripture searching, I approached my husband and replayed the infamous conversation out loud. I'm not exactly sure what kind of reaction I was expecting from him, but a snicker was certainly NOT among my list of possibilities.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"I wouldn't have put ....... on a list of What Makes a Good Wife." came his reply.

and then CLARITY!

I had spent days worrying about the fact that I might be failing my husband because I was not doing XYZ. And really, if I'm being honest, had spent years thinking those same thoughts about other wifely qualities I believed I was lacking. As a woman who is blessed to be surrounded by exceptional women of God, it was easy for me to wallow in self-pity that I was not...

the super-organized one...

the immaculate housekeeper...

the fashionista...

the hostess with the mostest...

the adventurous outdoorswoman...

the {fill in the blank}

But the truth is, my husband didn't want me to be any of those things. CLARITY!

It was then that I petitioned for a little "marriage maintenance" survey. I asked the Hubs to put together a list of the top three qualities he wanted and needed in a wife. I determined that I would much rather do three wifely duties exceptionally well than only reach mediocrity with the lengthy list dished out to me from the world. Not to say that I would only ever do/be three things for him. (Scrubbing the toilet was not on his list, but I think we can all agree that in a household of five males, that's a non-negotiable.) Narrowing it down to three qualities, or more importantly, HIS three most-desired qualities...gave me a focused goal with which to prioritize my efforts.

The really refreshing part of THE LIST was that I was already doing two of the three things really well. And the third?? I'll admit, I'm still a work in progress at that one--it just doesn't always come naturally. But because I now know my husband's thoughts, I can refocus my time and attention on what really matters to him, not what matters to my mom, his mom, my friends, that particular woman--him!

I recognize that THE LIST might evolve with the ebb and flow of time. What seems like a necessity in one season of life, may not necessarily be relevant in the next. But then again, his top three were well-chosen and certainly worth spending a lifetime perfecting.

But what does all of this have to do with HOMESCHOOLING, you ask??

It's simple.

Just as I was a new bride waffling in my efforts to be a good wife, feeling overwhelmed by the opinions and well-intentions of others, you as a new homeschooler will, at times, feel compelled to replicate the successes you see in others. All too often you will probably feel defeated and inadequate when compared to other moms who seem to have it all together.

But the truth is, in all likelihood, those have-it-all-together-homeschoolers have only mastered the home educating qualities that are important to them. 

I have a homeschooling friend whose children have formed a traveling gospel group complete with matching belt buckles and bolo ties. And while that works for them, it's not in line with my main reasons to homeschool and therefore would not be worth my time and effort to pursue. The same goes for the farming family that eats off the land and promotes whole-food education. And the small business owners who have made buying and selling into a life-long unit study.

These are all worthwhile endeavors. But the question remains, are they to be my worthwhile endeavors??

New homeschool mom, I encourage you to prayerfully consider choosing three homeschooling qualities to focus your attention on. Wouldn't you much rather master three things than settle for mediocrity in many? By choosing just three, you are freeing yourself from comparison. You will know what needs to demand your time and be fully able to dismiss the rest...with grace.

And the best part is, once you master those three things, you'll probably be ready to tackle three more. And eventually, you too will be one of those have-it-all-together-homeschoolers, or at least appear that way to the rest of us!

And how do you determine what THREE items demand your attention?

1. Determine your reasons for homeschooling. Write them down. Revisit them often. 
2. Discuss with your spouse which subjects or homeschooling opportunities line up with your goals for homeschooling. (Obviously, certain subjects are non-negotiable as determined by your state. But maybe they can play a lesser role in the day-to-day happenings of your home.) 
3. Brainstorm how you can bring your top 3 to the forefront of each day or week. 
4. Applaud those homeschool moms who are doing XYZ...but never let their success veer you from your course.

Remember, God did not give us all the same tools in life, so He certainly does not expect us to build the same thing.  By prioritizing your time and energy on just three goals in your first year, you are allowing yourself to be the homeschool mom that you are supposed to be.